The roller coaster life of a stay-home-mom in her early twenties! Hang on tight!!!

Monday, April 29, 2013

Thoughts, fears, and worries...

My mind has been going a thousand miles an hour the last couple of weeks. Sometimes I just want to scream, sometimes I cry.  I am so lost on so many issues that I feel like I just need to get it all out. I just need to vent and try and work through what the right answer is to all this. So here it goes...

It all starts with the basics:
We are overwhelmed with medical debt: I don't know what to do with this. I am so overwhelmed on this issue it's tiring to even type it out. Two years ago I had a horrible car wreak that caused me to get a artificial hip, that combined with 3 trips to the ER because my poor husband passes kidney stones every couple of months and a lipotripsy (a procedure to break up kidney stones). All with no medical insurance. It's not like we didn't try and get some either, both me and my husband's jobs didn't provide insurance and we have been denied time and time again when we tried to pay out of pocket. We are not even knee deep with debt, it is over our heads and suffocating us. We have been working with a company that has been trying to pull us out of debt and for two years. We have paid $167 a month and haven't even made a dent. Sometimes I think we should declare bankruptcy, once we get medical insurance. I just want to have a fresh start, but doesn't that mean 7 years of that on our record. Will it even be possible to get a house? A car? OR is our debt so bad right now, that there wouldn't be a chance anyway?

Speaking of house, that brings me to another issue. We live with my husbands parents. They very graciously took us in after my car wreak two years ago ( I lost my job and in turn our apartment). We have been living here with them for 2 years and 4 months. We have been taking care of each other and I could never pay them back for all they have done for us. That aside, we have our moments where we drive each other crazy. We are two different families under one roof. They are retired and want their own space and we are a new family and want ours. We keep very different schedules and I know that we need to start looking for a new place,before we overstay our welcome.  But my question is where?
*An apartment? OR is that just trowing you money away? Is there enough space?
*A trailer? What about those tornadoes? Are trailer parks safe?
*A house? Will we be able to afford it? What happens if I want another baby? What happens is one of us loses our job?
*Rent to own? Or is that just one big scam?

Which brings me to my last worry...Working! I am officially going back to school for a 5 week  program to get my CNA (certified nursing assistant). It is 3 days a week, 8 hours a day away from my daughter. Now I know for some of you that doesn't sound like a lot. But I have been a stay at home mom for the entirety of my daughters life. The longest I have ever left her is 3 hours! Worst of all it is all during the day. I am so grateful that I have this opportunity but the thought of leaving my daughter just makes me sad. I know I am going to miss her terribly, however it is a big relief to know that her dad will be with her. I hope this will give them an opportunity to really spend some quality time together. Especially since he will have both full time work and school next semester and this summer is very precious to us. After I finish school, I will be putting in for work at our local hospital. They are hiring like crazy. That thought is even scarier for me. Going back to work! My husband just applied for a job that he will be required to work night shift. Which means two things,

Either I can take the 12 hr night shift, and we would have to find someone to watch Amy at night, but I would get day's with her. (who needs sleep anyway)
Or I take 12 hr day shift and know that one of us will be with her all night. However I'll lose at least 3 days with her during one week and 4 the other. Also I will have to find someone to watch Amy during the days
that my husband has college.

This also obviously means we can't have anymore babies for a long time. Not until we can get all this straight. but, for once I have comes to terms with that and I am ok....I just know if we ever plan to get on our feet I have to get a job. I can't watch my family struggle.We have been reduced to getting food stamps and medicaid for our daughter, just to survive. Two things, I never saw myself doing. I know I need to do something about  our debt, getting out on our own and as much as it sucks, I know it means me going back to work.I just hope and pray, that with me working full time and Jake working full time and going to school full time, that Amy still gets the attention she needs and deserves. That she knows that we love her more than life. That we are doing this for her to have a good life more than anything else. That we are doing the right thing by her. That is the thing I worry most about. That is the thing I cry most about. I never want her to feel second string. She is truly the most important thing is our lives.

I hope to one day, also get my medical transcriptionist (sp?), so I can stay at home with Amy forever and have my CNA to fall back on. I hope that with my husband finishing school and getting a engineering job, that here in a couple of years all this will be a thing of the past.  Maybe one day..

So there it is! All typed out...I know its no one's problem but my own, but I just needed to get it all out.

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